The end

Well. This is it. RA year is over. I'm currently sitting in SeaTac, waiting for my shuttle back home.
I've been meaning to write a post about RA year ending for awhile (first after spring break with a quad left, then in April with a month left, and then end of April with a few weeks left), but every time I've tried, I stopped because it made me too sad to think about. But after a very tearful few days, and a tearful plane ride (yes, I was "that girl" crying on the plane. No, I was not crying the whole time. But enough for the people next to me to think I'm crazy), I think that my tear ducts are empty and I can make it through this blog post without an emotional break down in the middle of the airport.

The purpose of this post is to begin processing through these past 9 months since I arrived on campus ready to begin my RA year. But how do I even begin processing through a year filled with so many memories, challenges, and growth? I don't really know. So bare with me as I ramble.

Perhaps a good place to start is a highlight list, like I've done every other quad.
-Movie nights on 3South. Emperor's New Groove, Frozen, and many more
-Surviving the coldest and longest Chicago winter, like ever. Spring never really came until finals week even though we were teased with warm days here and there
-Motown. Nbd, my future roommate put on the whole thing.
-30 day ab challenge with Gwen and Amanda..... we got half way through. Then I gave up because of back and neck problems and stuff. But actually kind of a fun moment each night suffering through sit ups, crunches, and planks with each other.
-Floor retreat. AMAZING time in Chicago with my girls. And I survived driving in the city!
-Officially figuring out housing and getting to live with 3 amazing people and in the same apartment complex as so many of my friends
-Grace's birthday and going out to Indian food with her and Stine
-Pass the torch. It was sad as it was the first event that signified the end of the year, but I am so excited for next year's staff. Especially that crazy Gwen ;)
-Deciding to do SLS (Summer Leadership School) this summer. It was a whirlwind of a decision, I first considered it and committed to it within 2 weeks or so. But I am so excited to spend my summer at HoneyRock counseling little kids :)
-The lasts of everything. Last in night, last floor brunch, last bro-sis dinner, last staff meeting, last silent raids... though they all made me sad, I couldn't be more thankful for the memories made during these times.
-3South's silent raid for me. They decorated my room, gave me a piñata, made me brownies, and wrote me notes. I have the best floor. And yes, I cried.
-First Los run. It was Friday night (most people's last night if they weren't gone already) and it was packed with Wheaton people. But now I feel like I have lived a true Smith-Traber experience.
-Everything about the past couple days. It was so incredibly hard to say goodbye to my staff team, but we took advantage of our last days together.

And that's it. B quad Spring 2014. RA is over, and I'm just a bundle of emotions. Monday night was our closing staff meeting. Among other things, we went on a prayer walk around the building. We also did this at the beginning of the year. At the beginning of the year, when we got to an RA's door, we would stop and the RA would share his/her vision for the year. This time around, we shared how we had seen God's faithfulness throughout the year. There was such a difference in the atmosphere and energy between these two nights. Back in August, we toured the floors, not yet knowing our residents, or what the year had in store for us. We walked in a straight line, not really interacting with each other. We were excited, and the excitement could be felt in the air. This time around, the stairwell of Traber echoed with sniffles and sobs. Rather than a straight line, we sort of walked in bunches, rubbing each other's backs, giving hugs, leaning on each other, soaking up these last moments together. We cried (even harder, if possible) as we as we heard the testimonies of the two members of our staff leaving for good, both graduated, one from undergrad and the other from grad school. We laughed as we told jokes and remembered stories from the year. Simply, we were reminiscent of a challenging, but amazing year.

I had a love-hate relationship with the prayer walk. It was amazing to hear about the many ways my fellow staff team had seen God's faithfulness throughout the year. But yet, I was frustrated because in many ways, I didn't feel as if I saw God's faithfulness in the year. I knew that God had been there, and that in time, I would see how and where, but I didn't know what to say when we came to my door. I don't really remember what I said, but it was something about seeing God's faithfulness in unmet expectations, through girls on my floor and through my staff team, and through his consistent love despite my pride. All I said was true. I do believe that I have seen God's faithfulness in my staff team, in my girls, and in God's love for me. Just not ways I wanted. I was still holding onto those expectations that I thought I had let go of, hoping, somehow,  they would be met before I left. Because I clearly know how I'm supposed to see God's faithfulness in my life (cue heavy sarcasm). After coming back to my room later that night, I was so frustrated with God and with myself. I asked God to help me see his faithfulness. Then I heard the rain pouring down outside. I excitedly ran outside as walking in the rain is one of my absolute favorite things. I slowly walked around Smaber, jumping in the puddles and soaking in the rain. I continued to pray, continued to ask God to help me see his faithfulness. And slowly, I felt all the bitterness that I had built up throughout the year melt away. Bitterness of unmet expectations, bitterness caused by pride. And I realized that God is faithful in whatever way he wants to be. That may sound obvious... it is, but I truly didn't realize that. I assumed that God would be faithful in the ways I wanted him to be faithful, that if I prayed hard enough, he would decide to do things "my way". But that was never the point. The point was to bring glory to God, and to lead my girls closer to him. Which is hard to do if I'm the focus. So God needed to humble me this year. He needed to show me that his plan is so much better than mine, even when I think that know myself and my surroundings better than he does (I totally don't. I'm pretty clueless.) He needed to show me that his love his consistent, and even when I don't (or even sometimes don't want to) believe that it is, it is. The fact that this year didn't go the way I planned, that my relationships with my girls and staff team weren't what I expected was so incredibly humbling. I clearly don't know what I'm doing. It's still a temptation for me to think that if the year had gone the way I wanted it to, it would've been more enjoyable, I would've been a better RA, I would have less regrets about this year. But that right there is proof that I needed to be humbled this year. And my version of the year would not have been humbling. Again, the point of this year was not for me to prove my worth as a human being, my capability as an RA, or to make a bunch of new friends. It was to glorify God in all that I did, to serve my girls and show them the love of God. I feel like I did a pretty lousy job of that at times, but it's a part of learning. My one hope for this year is that the girls of 3South may have experienced growth in their relationship with God, whether it was through something I did or not.

And with that, I will end my rambling. There will probably (definitely) be more posts reflecting on RA, but now it's time to catch my shuttle back home!